Massage in a bottle
i’m back in 1985 and i write to you from a parallel dimension. just left the Garden of Eden massage parlor where khun Mai rearranged my spine and left me floating on a bed of rose petals…it felt a bit awkward the first time to undress in front of a total stranger and have jasmine oil spread where normally put brut 33 and not possessing the torso of an Adonis (more like a doughnut) and with legs like Mr. Bean stripped down ultra quick resulting in my toe nail getting caught in the gusset of my underpants and similar to hoping on a bed of hot coals ended up performing a diving header through the curtains and into next doors booth …luckily it was empty and managed to rectify the situation before my cute masseur returned. ‘are you ok she asked” …”yes” grunted with my head buried in a pillow…with that she knelt down and began needing my back. surveyed my location with revolving eyes like the organ player in sparks .was on a single bed draped in purple Thai silk with many scented candles flickering in the dim light, the air was sweet with joss ticks and gentle tones of Enya featuring some old monk rap/chanting in Latin not very oriental but soothing in its way.
Massage first came to my attention at school when somebody asked if wanted to see a book of swedish massage…in fact massage is called classic massage in stockholm, the name was invented by some French guy , anyway the book was full of hard core and not a masseur in sight, so when first came to Thailand 25 years ago it took me 3 visits to pluck up the courage to go …and this is the tale …had purposely picked a massage shop of high repute as many others offered extras …at first wandered what it meant? Was it back walking whilst being fed grapes and copious goblets of asses milk, the lady at the desk told me it was 50 baht for 1 hour (1985). After 10 mins khun Mai removed the tea towel covering my bottom and began needing a
large loaf well that’s what it felt like but after 5 mins Istarted to relax ..in fact too much! Suddenly out of the blue a loud rasp interrupted the flow of the music ….had the tape snagged no unfortunately my stomach had kicked out an unwanted guest ..after what seemed like 10 years of silence apologized and told her it was a complement from where came from… she giggled into her hands and said ‘no problem farang man do many time”..said oh that’s ok then and let out the last post in Dflat minor…after my derriere she moved onto my legs, must admit grimaced a bit as she dug her boney fingers into the back of my calf’s but being British just clenched my teeth and my cheeks and stood the torture…’turn over please khun Simon” ..turned trying to position the tea towel over my middle, said “sorry this is my first massage so I’m a bit shy.. she smiled and pulled a bath sized towel over my waist…she then began to pull my toes off one by one…did the Thais learn this from the jap’s in the war… coz it bloody hurt…then up my shins and then my thighs skillfully reaching the tops and turning like a slalom skier at the critical moment. After 3 mins the obvious happened. kept thinking NONOquick think of Hattie Jakes naked…too late the flag pole was already raised…seeing this she swiftly moved onto my upper body and put so much oil on my chest felt like a jar of mackerel …..then onto my arms and again pulling my fingers off she moved onto my head which was most relaxing.. in fact nearly fell asleep until the music changed to the ACDC followed by 3 German customers being herded into the room …the smell of alcohol and tobacco filled the room and reminded me needed a cool Singha. khun Mai finished off by chopping me up karate style..
Ithanked her and hobbled off to the shower with no toes ….after the shower walked down stairs to the other stares of waiting masseurs felt myself going red not sure why as was as innocent as OJ Simpson, never the less paid my baht over and bowed like a clock work Japanese businessman instead of offering the Thai Wi and then stealthy flung myself into a Tuk Tuk feeling worn out but strangely relaxed.
Rgds sg
